yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Randomize
