have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
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