you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
