and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Randomize
