you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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