Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
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