i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Randomize
