why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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