i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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