So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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