Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Drunk is a universal language darling
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
