I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
