He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
and you said cock pushups were impossible
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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