So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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