Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Randomize
