5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
