Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
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