I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
i permit you to call me
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
