Got a toothbrush?
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
