Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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