I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
