tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
It's shark week go big or go home
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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