I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
