are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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