What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
