You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
