I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
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