you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
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