well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
i just google imaged poop.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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