I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
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