I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
