I just made out with a guy for $7.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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