I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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