I think i peed on brittanys purse
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
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