So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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