no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize