Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
