is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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