Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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