It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
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