So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
