in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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