I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
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