Fuck appropriateness.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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