you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
she told me i tasted like america
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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