So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
