And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
