he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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