I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
