Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
