I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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