$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
