My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize
