once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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