He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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