Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Randomize
