after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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