I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
