Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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