whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
