No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
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