he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize